5 Pokemon Universe Startups That Are Sure-Fire Moneymakers

There is magic in the Pokemon universe. Not the elemental attacks that the titular creatures bludgeon each other with, but a more unseen variety, a brilliant and shining spell that permeates every aspect of human society. Starvation seems nonexistent, disease is seldom mentioned, and only constant travelers go without shelter – and then by choice. The people of this world aren't total strangers to sorrow, but most sadness can be solved with a visit from a perky Pokemon and participation in one of the hundreds of cheerful festivals.

It's tempting to wonder, then, if Pokemon truly presents us with a setting so utopian that its denizens will eternally want for nothing. Surely that can't be right – surely there is still room for total game-changers, guaranteed moneymakers, things both big and small that can enhance one's quality of life even further? We think there is and it just so happens we've got five ideas right on the tips of our proverbial keyboard-tongues, which we understand is something no one actually says, but we're typing it, anyway.

5 Mecha Bibarels

Everybody knows the most efficient way to traverse treacherous terrain is to befriend a Bibarel. These ever-adaptive fuzzballs can be taught to scale cliffs, smash boulders, serve as makeshift watercraft, and even remove fog from hazy caves. There's very little Bibarel can't do, but why expend so much energy catching or hatching a Bidoof, training it in the ways of war, and sharing your snacks every evening (those are your snacks!) just so you can someday climb a waterfall on its damp backside?

Be reasonable. We don't love Bibarels. We love their utility. These are not the adorable eyes of Pokemon whose existence is justified on cuteness alone. These are dense beasts who have escaped extinction through sheer obliviousness.

With Mecha Bibarel, we can cut to the chase. A stainless steel chassis is covered in fur and pleasantly warm to the touch. It doesn't think, it rarely blinks, and it won't do you much good if a Dragonite attacks you – but then, we're pretty much describing plain old flesh-and-blood Bibarels, too. No more wasted Poke Balls, no more pretending to care about its wellbeing, and no more candy bars split in two.

Best of all, Mecha Bibarel supports USB-C for ultra-fast charge speeds and even lets you check in on Instagram with the tug of a robotic ear.

4 Eugenics

Yeah, yeah. "That sounds like Mewtwo." Listen, everything can sound like Mewtwo if you strain yourself hard enough to prove a point. We're not talking about Mewtwo, so it's fine.

Think about it. How many trainers have spent the better part of the best years of their lives waiting for eggs to hatch en masse only to toss most of their Pokemon pal infants into boxes or release them to the wild? The search for the elusive perfect IVs has caused much grief and anguish, even in a universe that is purportedly naive to such pain. If your Eevee isn't destined to stand tall among the greatest Eevees that ever did Eev, honestly, what is the point of waking up in the morning?

Hire a Pokemon Eugenicist today. Watch in awe as your unborn Eevees' eggs are injected with powerful enhancers to improve their innate capabilities. Headed to Wyndon Stadium? Destroy the competition. Experts in this burgeoning field can go so far as infuse embryos with the memories, and thus the strength, of Level 100 ancestors.

These babies won't just hatch. By the time they're done being born, there won't be a sliver of eggshell left in their crushing wake.

3 Actual Pet Shops

Dogs that can electrocute you if they can't contain their excitement upon seeing a squirrel. Cats who command the element of fire and may one day evolve into bipedal pro wrestlers. Birds who don't just act like gods; they are gods.

Are you tired of living in a world devoid of pure and simple pets? Have any of these people in Kanto, Sinnoh, Unova, you-name-it, ever even heard of a hamster? Behold, a brand-new experience: actual pet shops. Set aside your justified fears that one day, Pichu may kill you. Let go of all your worries that young Horsea will turn literally draconian and blast you with Hyper Beam because you had to work late and were thus 20 minutes behind on filling its tank with fish flakes.

At a pet shop, cats are cats. Dogs are dogs. Even lizards are, in fact, just lizards. Regale in the ordinary. The next time awkward conversation flares up during a rough wait in line at the grocery store, proudly tell the stranger that no, the lion you've brought with you is not Rock-elemental. It's an honest-to-goodness lion, and there's uh, quite a mess on aisle six, but it's fine.

It's fine.

2 Badge Forgers

There is no reason to assume the worst. Sure, the existence of professional badge forgers could give devious individuals the notion that they should skip their entire Pokemon journey and head straight to the League, faking it until they've made it, bypassing months of effort in favor of the quick road to victory with their genetically-enhanced Primal Kyogre. But just because such a thing could, feasibly, happen, should we thus abandon our faith in humanity and assume it will occur?

Nay, say we. Nay. Badge forgers can make a far more benevolent living aiding unlucky trainers whose arrival in certain cities coincides with, say, a gym leader's temporary departure to another location. Or a blackout on the power grid. Or the terribly inconvenient timing in which the trainer's close associate happens to have kidnapped the gym leader, preventing a fair-and-square match from happening altogether.

Plus, like, there's Sabrina. Everybody knows Sabrina shrinks trainers and places them in dollhouses. But even setting that aside, how many gym puzzles legitimately risk a trainer's life and limb? What would happen if, say, poor Wally fell down a hole in a lake of ice and drowned? Well, technically we answered that question in the same sentence we asked it. But still.

1 Industrialization of Dead Marowak Skulls

Please, just stop dying! Marowak, you don't have to do this. Don't die just so your child can wear your head on their head. Their head doesn't need your head. Please, think before you act. We can – damn. Lost another one to Mandibuzz. This ritual has got to end.

Hey, we can use this fallen Marowak's face. Why not yank it off instead of letting her kid have it? Yes, that's horrible, but it's just one Cubone, and he can have it back later. Let's use this Marowak, let's use its skull, to make the world a brighter place.

Pull out all the stops, friends. Get the machines of progress humming. We're going to scan this skull until we've constructed the perfect frame. We can then sell replicas of Marowak skulls to every Marowak of a certain age, sparing them their sad end so that their children can know what it's like not to howl in woe over the mothers who died "just because."

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